Garbage Car

My intelligent alley neighbor jammed their trash can past the brim, and did not secure the lid. Apparently they don't think coons and vermin live in the city. So of course a few bags were strewn about the alleyway, and, as it is an alley, there was nothing to do but drive over it. About, say, 1/2 block later, I'm starting to curse VW (not unusual) because I am hearing a rattling and I JUST spend $700 getting my car fixed. I then realize that it's not my car...I'm dragging the trash. I'm thinking I've maybe got a pop can lodged in there somewhere. No biggie. Friends, I was mistaken. Shortly after I get on the freeway, I hit a pothole. GARBAGE EXPLOSION behind my car. Syrup bottles, dirty lettuce, plastic bags, packaging...it could've killed someone! Luckily it's winter and there wasn't a convertible behind me! Can you imagine driving along and getting blasted w/ someone's nasty, critter-pawed sickness? Right in your front seat? Note: If you live in the city, watch your trash can! Animals eat trash!

Lipstick Jungle—It Ain't no Pretty in Pink

Well, this show is clearly the poor man's Sex and the City. But cute Lindsey Price is in it who stole Steve Sanders's heart. And Scott Speedman who I LOVED in Felicity (except that he always whispered his lines, which was absurd). But the best: Andrew McCarthy. GENIUS casting. Aaaaaaandrew McCaaaaaaaarthy! Remember when he made out w/ Andie in the stable in Pretty in Pink? OMG. I need to netflix that again. HOTHOTHOT.

UPDATE: I have been informed that Scott Speedman is not Scott Speedman in Lipstick Jungle! Dead ringer! That explains why he doesn't do the whisper thing...

My New Sinful Indulgence

Since I have lately had to visit the doctor 2-3 times a week, I have been treating myself to McDonald's breakfast after my appointments. Now, I hadn't had McD's brek in years, but semi-recently my (now) exbf used to occasionally surprise me with meatless Egg McMuffin meal deals (romantic, I know). However, I began to picture little beaks and wispy feathers in the egg part (it looks weird), so I had to retire them. I moved on to Cinnamon Melts. Now, I need to tell you that I don't even like cinnamon rolls. Never have. But something about them looked exceptionally delicious...and I was right. Aaaaand even better, the price is right. Under $2! Smugal.

New Product to Pimp

Ok, i am in loooooove w/ the Marc Anthony Curly shampoo and conditioner. Now, before you get all worked up, it's not the Marc Anthony of J.Lo. I don't know who this guy is but this stuff smells sooooooo good! http://www.marcanthony.com/. I first discovered this at Rainbow, but it has since disappeared. I then found it at Walgreens, so I'll have to make the trip. Normally I hate Walgreens, but have you ever noticed they have the uncanny ability to play the BEST MUSIC EVER there? It's like the "All the best from the late '80s and '90s. I mean, I stay for way too long because I'm busy singing along to all the songs--despite the fact that it makes me feel kind of dirty and always jaundiced. I don't know what's up w/ their lighting. Let me know if you try any of his other products. I think I will try his "Straight" and "Gloss" line when I am off the shampoo embargo.

Long Time...

Soooo long time, no post! I have been busy having the World's Most Boring Job, and have since put in my notice. In 2 weeks I start my Potential Dream Job, which will have me working at home a few days a week (with luck). I'm starting to come around and think that maybe if I don't work for The Man and can be the boss of my own time, I won't miss that I'm not lounging at the pool with a cabana boy...

A complete outrage

So I found out that someone at my old job put in notice today and will be going to work for the competition. They called a company-wide meeting to tell everyone how great he is! And then they set up a happy hour for his last day! Are you kidding me? I was doing an awesome job and got escorted to the door like a criminal, and he goes to work for the enemy and gets a love festival and a party planned! This is wack. I seriously was not that pissed until now. I was disappointed but understanding before, and now I'm just outraged and pissed. I don't understand what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. Oprah would tell me i'm putting something toxic into the universe. Must evaluate my toxins. Also, do you think it's a coincidence that the week my begonia in my career corner finally bit the dust was the week I was canned? I must also re-evaluate the career corner and living greens, etc.

Back in the swing of things

So, now that I'm done dogsitting, this is the first real-seeming day of unemployment. I watched Ellen (LOVE that show) and part of the View in bed. I totally hate Barbara Walters, by the way. When Rosie O'Donnell was on it last week I was pleasantly surprised. She's not as bad as we've all been led to believe.

By the way, my house is a dump becuase my parents made me take all my stuff out of their house, and I'm certain that it's been ruining my life w/ all the crazy feng shui going on up in here. I have my work cut out for me: must clean up the career area in my house and organize everything in the basement! I'll have to get to the projects around here I havent had time for, like painting, cleaning, making curtains, etc.

Now I've got to get ready to rock my homework at the library...at least I'll have plenty of time for that!

Mouse: Parts 2, 3, and 4

Sweet Baby Jesus. You have put me to many tests this week. I must have needed to be put in my place. One of your angels must have told you my character needed strengthening.
PART 2:
Well, it came time to remove the mouse intestines from the carpet. I would have left it, but I knew the dogs would chase me around the house with it. So I called my friend J for emotional support and direction. Here's what I did: I put the dogs on the porch and the cat in the bathroom. I armed myself with rubber boots, a garbage can, and an envelope. The idea was to slide the envelpe under the guts, dump it in the trash, and run screaming out the door to the trash. However, apparently the oxygen had made the guts SUPER nasty like some kind of massive blood clot. Apparently the dog didn't get all the tail, because a tail bit was still attached. Poking the guts with the envelope was completely unbearable, and I determined that it was better to scoot the guts clump onto the paper with the measuring cup. When I lifted off the cup, the stench was SO FOUL, it curled my hair. Now, keep in mind that I am extremely squeamish and had lost all control of myself. I was completley hysterical, hyperventilating, and screaming. I don't know how people deal with car wrecks and emergency rooms. I mean, I was beside myself. Thank God J was there to talk me through it or I would be living on the porch right now. Also, the room looks like a crime scene from Law & Order: there are blood streaks on the wall and black smudge on the carpet. I'm not sure I'll be able to clean it.

PART 3:
Came home later and found a little mouse just hanging out on the floor amidst all the animals. I was like, "Excuse me??? The last mouse you saw you tore to bits, and now you're just all hanging out like the fecking Brady Bunch?" I knew if they hung out together too long it would become violent, so I ended up (with emotional support from abovementioned J) shoveling it into the trash.

PART 4:
This morning, the dog picked something up in her mouth and brought it into the bed. I wasn't born yesterday, so I got outta dodge. When I looked later, it looked like mouse-hair clumps. Though it could have been muddy debris from outside.

And...

8:22am: and cleaned up poop.

Addendum

I would like to add that it is only 8am and already on my first unemployed day I have cleaned up a pee puddle, 2 barfs, and dealt with a mismembered mouse (I'm still too scared to touch it, so its parts are just around the house tempting the dogs). Things better improve from here.

Back in (In)Action

Well, it's happened again. I have had the misfortune of being laid off from the job I got after being laid off. The sucky thing is, despite the fact that people were fired or quit left and right and I was in constant fear of being canned, I really liked my job. In fact, there were parts of it I loved. At least the last job I got laid off from was sucksville and stunting my career. This one was awesome and was giving me amazing experience. Plus, the idea of interviewing again really makes me want to poke my eyes out.

And speaking of getting your eyes poked out, I am dog/catsitting right now and woke up to a dog standing over me with a string hanging out of her mouth. When I removed the "string" it was slimy-nasty. After flinging it across the room I discovered it was a BLOODY MOUSE TAIL STUMP. On my way screaming out the door I saw the INTESTINES!!!!! The dog followed me up the stairs with the tail stump and calamity ensued. I have since covered it with a measuring cup because I can't bear to touch it. Oh, WHERE is my fantasy bf when I need him??? I hope this isn't a harbinger of my re-leisuring. I need a good omen SOON.

New Book

Oooh, also, was talking to my co-worker and we decided it would be HILARIOUS to compile our ridiculous interviewing stories for a book, like the time when I was interviewed in a glue closet as a little example. To my publishing friends: this will be a good seller. I'm serious. Buy it from me.

Anniversary

I'm pretty sure this week marks the 1-year anniversary of one of the BEST THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME: Getting laid off from a crappy job by a horrible human being. It kick-started the FWOL club, as well as led me to the best job ever, where I don't even notice I'm not watching "Starting Over" and eating my Hershey's nuggets and home-made lattes. Also, it's been pretty nice on my heating bills, not being around during the day. So let's have a toast! To fortunate happenings, and the unknown frontier! I salute you, hidden blessings!

I will never call it "The CW"

It will always be the WB to me. Now that class is over, I can bask in the brain-rotting activities I used to enjoy so well. Although I must have gone out and gotten intellectual, because I just saw OTH last night and friends: I had to change the channel. Unfortunately, everything else on network TV SUCKED because I had to change it back and watch this absurd "It's a Beautiful Life" themed crap show. I am so over it. If I had cable I would have been all over a quality Lifetime movie. Also: Has "Starting Over" been cancelled??? I haven't been able to watch it since The Job, but I don't think it's on anymore!! How can FWOL'rs keep on living??

7th Heaven Is an F'ING Infomercial and None of Us Should Support It

Those bastards at Nabisco have TOTALLY pulled one over on us, kids. 7th Heaven has sold its soul to corporate America. Every time i watch that shitty, shitty show (and somehow i end up watching it almost EVERY week and NEVER INTENTIONALLY) there is some show sponsor whom they feel they need to exploit. Case in point: last week, who saw that TOTALLY EMBARASSING FOR HER AND SHAME ON US FOR WATCHING IT cameo by Jewel? I mean, I had to avert my eyes. It was too painful. And a few months ago they did like 2 episodes where every 3rd word was "oreo" and they just sat there and ate those damn cookies for an hour, and of course i'm a marketing whore so i went out and bought 2 bags because of COURSE they were on special because those corporate bastards are out to make me fat and poor! Savvy, smugal FWOL'ers should stay away from that bastardization of entertainment if we know what's good for us.

How Does Anyone Have Time???

Sometimes I fondly recall the days when I would roll home from work at 4:15, crack open a beer, eat a bag of yogurt and chive chips and veggie corndogs and veg out to Top Model all night. Nothing better to do. I can barely even imagine what that feels like anymore. I SERIOUSLY don't have time to do normal things anymore. My watch has been broken for a month and I can't even imagine what it would be like to drop it off to get fixed during normal store hours. I need an assistant to run around and do errands for me during the day when everything's open...if only an assistant could get my hair cut and renew my license, too...sigh. With school now in session, I basically have to go into hiding...happy hours and nephew/eices are too tempting. Instead I get to spend my time immersed in historic women on the Pioneer Trail...

Which isn't to say I don't love to be busy; I rather prefer it. But if I were an FWOL, I would mos' def take Fridays off to get my socializing and errands done.

PS FWOL is truly the most amazing thing to aspire to, but I must confess...when you have a job you really like, you don't have as much time or inclination to dream about being an FWOL...awesome!

Max Factor, Go to Hell

I forgot to write this post a while back. Bascially, Max Factor and F'ing K-Mart can kiss my brass. I went to that craphole looking for black/brown lash-whateveritscalled *4* times, and each time it was out of stock and I felt like I needed to take a shower just walking in there. Max Factor is now dead to me. DEAD! And I was his biggest fan. That's what you get for pulling your brand out of reasonable outlets, you moron! So I have taken my business elsewhere. Now, I am ashamed to say that my new mascara pick isn't very smugal; It's Prescriptives Lash Envy. $18. Ladies: Fabulous, thick lashes. Superlong. No smuding or running. Kodak-commercial proof. Washes off well. Best of all, no black flecks that fall down your face or stick to your sink like F-ING MAX FACTOR'S or Queen Latifah's. But there is a smugal caveat: you can get a sample at the counter to try it out before you buy. Go do it. I'm serious.

I'm Shallow

Does it make me shallow that I had 2 separate conversations with 2 different friends that lasted at least 15 minutes in length discussing the merits and cons of certain perfumes? The state of the world is so ridiculous these days that the only way I can get through the next 10 minutes is by not learning about all the intricate details of the Gaza Strip or whatever is in the news these days. Just. Can't. Do It. Plus, if Ann Curry doesn't mention it, it isn't really on my radar. Some people call it shallow. I call it emotional survival.

What the Crap is Going on With TV

Is anyone else TOTALLY SUSPECT about this whole new "CW" thing? Like, how can you merge 2 networks like that? And how can they insult my intelligence with those RIDICULOUS LOOKING NEW SHOWS???? Are they serious with that "Desire" and "Fashion House" promo?? I mean, am I on "Bloopers and Blunders" or something? Is this a practical joke?? Am I supposed to seriously be expected to watch some old washed-up hasbeens in a catfight about shirts or something? Trying to all Dynasty and shiznit? And "Everwood" got cancelled for that?? I mean are they serious?? And my other fave show, "Related", which was SO. GOOD. I am calling for a boycott.

Tooootally Slacking on the Blog Updates

Ya'll, I have been SO BUSY! It's not leisurely at all! The gods smiled on me and I FINALLY got a job, and it is so, totally rad. It's so amazing how your life changes when your job doesn't suck and each moment at work doesn't feel like 1 billion years. I'm knocking on wood as I say that. So now I'm working about 2 hours more per day than before, yet it feels like less...interesting. However, I don't have time to do ANYTHING. I've been trying to get to the liquor store for days, and I can't quite get there. Mama needs a beer to alleviate some of the stress! Anyway, let's catch up and discuss a few things I've been thinking about:

1) Men should never wear white pants. Ever.
2) Narcissists make the world a horrible place.
3) Beer and nachos are SO GOOD together.
4) OK I know there was so much more, and now I forgot. Too busy kicking myself for not being at the liquor store right now.