7th Heaven Is an F'ING Infomercial and None of Us Should Support It

Those bastards at Nabisco have TOTALLY pulled one over on us, kids. 7th Heaven has sold its soul to corporate America. Every time i watch that shitty, shitty show (and somehow i end up watching it almost EVERY week and NEVER INTENTIONALLY) there is some show sponsor whom they feel they need to exploit. Case in point: last week, who saw that TOTALLY EMBARASSING FOR HER AND SHAME ON US FOR WATCHING IT cameo by Jewel? I mean, I had to avert my eyes. It was too painful. And a few months ago they did like 2 episodes where every 3rd word was "oreo" and they just sat there and ate those damn cookies for an hour, and of course i'm a marketing whore so i went out and bought 2 bags because of COURSE they were on special because those corporate bastards are out to make me fat and poor! Savvy, smugal FWOL'ers should stay away from that bastardization of entertainment if we know what's good for us.

How Does Anyone Have Time???

Sometimes I fondly recall the days when I would roll home from work at 4:15, crack open a beer, eat a bag of yogurt and chive chips and veggie corndogs and veg out to Top Model all night. Nothing better to do. I can barely even imagine what that feels like anymore. I SERIOUSLY don't have time to do normal things anymore. My watch has been broken for a month and I can't even imagine what it would be like to drop it off to get fixed during normal store hours. I need an assistant to run around and do errands for me during the day when everything's open...if only an assistant could get my hair cut and renew my license, too...sigh. With school now in session, I basically have to go into hiding...happy hours and nephew/eices are too tempting. Instead I get to spend my time immersed in historic women on the Pioneer Trail...

Which isn't to say I don't love to be busy; I rather prefer it. But if I were an FWOL, I would mos' def take Fridays off to get my socializing and errands done.

PS FWOL is truly the most amazing thing to aspire to, but I must confess...when you have a job you really like, you don't have as much time or inclination to dream about being an FWOL...awesome!

Max Factor, Go to Hell

I forgot to write this post a while back. Bascially, Max Factor and F'ing K-Mart can kiss my brass. I went to that craphole looking for black/brown lash-whateveritscalled *4* times, and each time it was out of stock and I felt like I needed to take a shower just walking in there. Max Factor is now dead to me. DEAD! And I was his biggest fan. That's what you get for pulling your brand out of reasonable outlets, you moron! So I have taken my business elsewhere. Now, I am ashamed to say that my new mascara pick isn't very smugal; It's Prescriptives Lash Envy. $18. Ladies: Fabulous, thick lashes. Superlong. No smuding or running. Kodak-commercial proof. Washes off well. Best of all, no black flecks that fall down your face or stick to your sink like F-ING MAX FACTOR'S or Queen Latifah's. But there is a smugal caveat: you can get a sample at the counter to try it out before you buy. Go do it. I'm serious.

I'm Shallow

Does it make me shallow that I had 2 separate conversations with 2 different friends that lasted at least 15 minutes in length discussing the merits and cons of certain perfumes? The state of the world is so ridiculous these days that the only way I can get through the next 10 minutes is by not learning about all the intricate details of the Gaza Strip or whatever is in the news these days. Just. Can't. Do It. Plus, if Ann Curry doesn't mention it, it isn't really on my radar. Some people call it shallow. I call it emotional survival.

What the Crap is Going on With TV

Is anyone else TOTALLY SUSPECT about this whole new "CW" thing? Like, how can you merge 2 networks like that? And how can they insult my intelligence with those RIDICULOUS LOOKING NEW SHOWS???? Are they serious with that "Desire" and "Fashion House" promo?? I mean, am I on "Bloopers and Blunders" or something? Is this a practical joke?? Am I supposed to seriously be expected to watch some old washed-up hasbeens in a catfight about shirts or something? Trying to all Dynasty and shiznit? And "Everwood" got cancelled for that?? I mean are they serious?? And my other fave show, "Related", which was SO. GOOD. I am calling for a boycott.

Tooootally Slacking on the Blog Updates

Ya'll, I have been SO BUSY! It's not leisurely at all! The gods smiled on me and I FINALLY got a job, and it is so, totally rad. It's so amazing how your life changes when your job doesn't suck and each moment at work doesn't feel like 1 billion years. I'm knocking on wood as I say that. So now I'm working about 2 hours more per day than before, yet it feels like less...interesting. However, I don't have time to do ANYTHING. I've been trying to get to the liquor store for days, and I can't quite get there. Mama needs a beer to alleviate some of the stress! Anyway, let's catch up and discuss a few things I've been thinking about:

1) Men should never wear white pants. Ever.
2) Narcissists make the world a horrible place.
3) Beer and nachos are SO GOOD together.
4) OK I know there was so much more, and now I forgot. Too busy kicking myself for not being at the liquor store right now.

Longing for Poo Palace

Living with the 'rents is slowly but surely becoming a living hell. See Exhibits a-j:

a) Citations from the laundry police for washing towels with clothes, for not pulling t-shirts out to line dry, for attempting to wash too small a load, and for using too much detergent.

b) Forced to watch a special on molecular physics instead of "So you think you can dance."

c) Am forced to eat vegetables at every meal.

d) While scavenging for deoderant, found something that I NEVER. EVER. needed to know about.

e) Am sleeping in cat hair.

f) Did I mention that my parents live in a garbage house and there aren't any clear surfaces?

g) They ran out of gin.

h) They ran out of wine.

i) Got chastised for using the "wrong" pair of scissors.

j) Referneces to pop culture and WB celebrities are met with blank stares.

I think you get the gist. I know you are smarting with outrage and injustice like I am.

My fecal-scented house is looking better and better. The plumber comes tomorrow, and if he can't fix it right away, I think I'll have to just live without running water...Laura Ingalls Wilder did it, right?

Sponge

Living with the 'rents for a few days until the plumber can come fix my pipe (ifyaknowwhaddimsayin!). I could get used to this! Why did I move out again?? I'm getting free, delicious meals, iced tea whenever my heart could desire, and shopping in the attic and the basement for unique relics. I get free laundry, treats from the bakery, and access to thousands of books, as well as the daily paper. I'm also in a way better location, and much closer to most of my friends. Being leisurely at home is awesome!

Leisure should not smell like poo

If I were a rich woman of leisure, do you think that I would have to deal with a crappy (pun intended) sewerpipe that has backed up in my basement for the umpteenth time, which has raised a stench that is so foul, I have been smoked out of my own house by the smell of my feces??? Do you?? If I were rich and leisurely, I would have "people" to not only deal with those problems, but who would also write the checks for them. I may have the acutal time to deal with, but I think I will add a new principle to the FWOL concept: a main reason to aspire to being leisurely is to have people to take care of your problems!

Livin' La Vida Leisure

Let’s cut to the chase: This blog is first and foremost about a leisurely lifestyle. Which I am all for. But being leisurely is better when you have the best of leisure: A stylish new swimsuit, Jackie-O shades, coconut sunscreen, a cushy chaise-longue, a delectable trashy novel, and a cool, refreshing beverage. This would all be enjoyed near some type of water source, such as a lake or a pool. Even better if there is an age-inappropriate pool boy. No, I am not a pedophile, you sicko! As long as they’re over 21 I can look.

Recently, I was given the opportunity to do just this. I nannied for a family for a week. In between mediating hormonal, adolescent combat like “GET OUT OF MY ROOM!” “She’s touching me!” and the like, peppered with bursts of irrational crying, a smattering of [fake] earsplitting screeching, and a dash of emotional rollercoaster acrobatics, we went to the pool. The pool where [I used to work] and a fine specimen of a college lifeguard had a summer job. While the girls were off playing with friends, I was basking in the fortunate weather and really living the high life. Friends, Country Club Momming is where it’s at. And by the way, I used to be the lifeguard who was essentially RAISING YOUR KIDS and teaching them manners, so I think a little karma is in order here. However, I don’t want to be one of those moms who does all this and has a nanny there. That is just plain lazy. Be lazy in the comfort of your own homes! Don’t make others look at it.

This whole experience has made me ask the big question: Can one be a Woman of Leisure and have kids? Must they be out of the house before you can attain leisure status? It’s hard to be leisurely when you’re refereeing. Comments on this are welcome.

Read this!

Do I have a new book for you! “Green with Envy: Why Keeping up with the Joneses is Keeping Us in Debt” by Shira Ross is the newest book for the smugal collection. Now, if you are like me, you might think that you are too smart for this book. But wait! It’s not your typical personal finance book! The author talks about how, by comparing ourselves with others who [we think] have higher financial status, we constantly scramble to keep up with “the Joneses”, and thus plummeting ourselves into debt. Ross shows us how this can happen gradually, over time, and even those of us who are smugal can get caught up in this cycle, even if we think we’re too smart. Ross also gives us some tips about dealing with the stress and anxiety of money troubles, and offers some resources on www.greenwithenvythebook.com. Read it! I’m telling you. Oh! And she also says that the universe has a way of flowing money to you when you need it, so I’m all about that. Next up: I'm going to check out Suze Orman's "Young Fabulous & Broke" if I can afford to pay my library fine...

Addendum to Mascara Proclamation

I found out the hard way that my first love of mascaras, Max Factor's Lash Perfection, does indeed have limitations. Ladies: if you go swimming, it is in your best interests to remove mascara beforehand. Otherwise it will look like you met the business end of some brass knuckles in a dark alley. Some of us had to walk around a pool for 20 minutes before we found this out.

New Product Testing

OK, I just blew $30 at Target on new skincare. I am testing out Almay's new line of skincare for dry skin. My skin is drrrry, and there's hardly any other face products out there for it, like I'm some anomoly or something! I also was misguidedly feeling rich, so I bought the hydra-compact makeup thing for dry skin, too. Today was my first day. Like the compact. It goes on kind of wet feeling, which I actually like. We will see if it can stand the time-test! Stay tuned!

Making the World a Better Place

Attention, ladies! I am issuing a summer public service announcement: I can still see your bra straps when you wear clear-strap bras. You may think you're being classy by not Britney-Spearsing your lingerie, but I am here to tell you that you are only one step above. One step. What is so wrong with strapless? Why can't women just get behind the strapless?? I have some, they're awesome, you just have to get one that fits. PLEASE, PLEASE do so you can quit offending my eyes.

New Strategy

So my sister just took this course on "Psych-K" (http://psych-k.com/home.php) which has something to do with your subconscious, and basically if you have a session about a particular issue, all your dreams and fantasies will come true. Or something. She swears it gave her husband a new (better) personality. So she's testing it out on family volunteers. I just did a session on finding an awesome, make-me-rich job, plus a totally rad future husband. Now I can kick back and watch the magic happen. I'll let you know if anything becomes of my subconscious allowing me to find employment. Or something. Also, wouldn't this be the best-ever exercise for "Starting Over"??

Smugal Tip-of-the-Week

Thank you, Sarah F. for today's smugal tip! Join Noodles e-newsletter and get free entrees! http://www.fishbowl.com/clt/ndls/lp/join/join.asp (I don't know if that will link...) You sign up and they email you a coupon. Then they send you more every once in a while. It totally works, I just redeemed mine a few weeks ago. Doesn't get better than free dinner!

Updates

Mascara Update:
OK, Fans, some of you have been on pins-and-needles, dying to know if I finally ventured to K-Mapart for Max Factor. The verdict is in! LOVE it! The brush is totally the same as Queen Latifah's, there is a patent violation in there somewhere. But it washes off a little cleaner, and I don't get those flakes down my face in the middle of the day. Definitely worth the trip to the posh suburban store, which is the only K-Mart I will even set foot in. I just went to their Web site and it looks like you can order online, if you're a sucka and want to pay shipping.

Drinking Update:
Don't worry, no one needs to call AA. I am so over drinking during the day. I don't think I could even do it more than twice. It's boring and limiting. Though I just read "Little Alters Everywhere" and I have been dying for a G&T ever since.

Target/Fashion Update:
My new friend Brian has asked me about Luella at Target. I am scared of Luella. She is not for amatuers, but you know little pre-teen suburban hussies are running around in this stuff. Or, worse, middle-aged women who should be wearing no such thing. In general, we should just leave London-cutting-edge-chic to the professionals.

I agree Brian that some Isaak Mizrahi pieces are frightening...I still shudder at the sweater seared in my brain that was orange-and-fuscia striped. But sometimes he is on the mark, and his shoes are usually FAB. Though a little pricey, Target-wise.

World's Fastest Rejection

OK, so I've been delinquent because the weather has been great, I've been working in my yard, dogsitting, etc. But I've recently kicked my job search into high gear. I was getting all pumped, calulating what the percentage is for application to interview ratio, working on my data, etc. So I was pretty pumped to have had an interview this morning. The proximity was perfect: 1.5 miles from my house. Walkable in Spring/Summer. Kitty-corner from where my mom volunteers all the time (free lunch,ya heeerd?). Across the street from Wendy's (Frostys, y'all!). Friends, I got an email rejection 2.5 hours after I left the building. Does that happen?? It's nice they didn't lead me on, but can't they at least pretend to think about it?? I am so sure!

The pain was great. Great. But nothing a banana-coconut frappuccino can't help soothe. This elixer has helped me to see that I don't want to work for a place where the (Vice President) interviewer LITERALLY interviews me while wearing a sloppy sweatsuit and flip-flops. Can we talk about that for a second? I don't care who you are. I don't care where you work. I don't care what your dress code is. You. Do. Not. Interview. People. While. Wearing. Lougewear. Where is Stacey London?? I felt totally overdressed in my appropriate attire. It is so absurd for her (as the hostess) make me (the guest) feel uncomfortable. Unforgiveable. Bastards!

Yippee! Someone just called for an interview. That other chick can suck it.

Mascara Update

I know everyone's dying to hear: I finally found Lash Exact. Target finally got a clue and fully stocked it. Maybe there was a national shortage. Anyway, the brush is totally rad. You have to try it to believe it. Unfortunately, it doesn't wash off as cleanly as Max Factor, and tonight I found a few weird black flecks on that part of the eye where people put eyeliner where you're not supposed to because you can get an infection. Anyway. So it gets a B+. Am still trying to work up the courage to go into a K-Mart to buy the new Max Factor mascara, but it might take a while.

Best Happy Hour Deal in Town...

I am humbled, because I totally told my friend I wrote about this a few weeks ago, and I am shamed to see that I am a liar. Anyway, I discovered on St. Paddy's day that Crapplebee's actually has an excellent happy hour (i can't take credit for naming it Crapplebee's, but it is so fitting...). In a quest to avoid drunked holiday crowds, we went to a suburban Crapplebees, where we enjoyed $1 beers after 9pm and1/2 price appetizers. That's right. It's not a typo. $1 Killian's Reds. My friends, you could get wasted on a fiver. I definitely do not condone chain restaurants, but sometimes a poor girl needs to sacrifice her morals in order to get a cheap buzz.